This quiet little juice bar, 365 Lohas, has sprung up close to my house. Attracted by the astro-turf decor I went to have a look at their menu this morning. There are lots of juices and smoothies on offer – but if I thought they would have something like a Berry Buzz, or a Pineapple Mint Frenzy, or even a straight and simple Freshly Squeezed Orange Juice I was very, very wrong.
There are times in Shanghai when I see a new juice bar (or sandwich bar, or hamburger bar, or wine bar) and I think ‘Oh! I just feel like a fresh juice….(or sandwich/hamburger/glass of white)’ and I have a little non-China moment. But this is China, where nothing is what it seems, and even if it seems familiar I will soon come thudding back to earth with a crushing reminder that I’m actually in the PRC.
Take this place for one – I’m looking for the juice menu, but there is none – there is a list of symptoms. Run your eyes over the list until you find one that fits you, then take the juice treatment recommended.
So what’s on offer? I look down the first column….
OK – fever, cough – not so out there. Halitosis – stand well back from the counter when you order that one. Parched throat and Hiccup – also not weird, in fact a glass of water would fix those…..but Inappetency?? What the..? Is it a lack of appetite? Or is it impotency?
Intrigued now, I look further….
So all those who’ve had a boob job? Or felt puffy? Or lost a few pounds on a diet? Who knew you could have slugged back a juice to get the same results? Been hoarding toxins? Get rid of them! Drink this!
Actually, on second thoughts maybe don’t drink the papaya/milk/tomato combo. And give the gherkin/carrot/orange smoothie a swerve. Unless, of course, you like that blend of flavours. Yum.
What else is on their list?
Further down the list I can now see that inappetency has probably got something to do with gut problems and not erectile dysfunction, because here it is alongside all the other gut symptoms. Although I’m telling you, Harrison’s Textbook of Internal Medicine has nothing written in it about Intestinal Tract Ageing. Yet another part of my ageing body to worry about. And I wish my urinary tract would stop inflecting. So annoying. Thank God it’s totally curable at 365 Lohas. I wonder what else they can cure?
And yes, you guessed it, they can handle the big C as well. These guys deserve the Nobel Prize. But can a juice guy tell the difference between a cancer and a tumor? Can anyone?
I’m now feeling quite fatigued by all these illnesses. It’s like being back at work and I’m having a few misgivings about stopping by after all. I’ll probably get insomnia from thinking about disease, and the tiredness will make me testy and sullen, and I’ll start forgetting stuff like I always do when I’m tired.
I look back at the lists -I don’t need to worry at all! 365 Lohas will fix all of these things! Look!
Don’t you love China?
There are always funny things happening here. Read about the Crocodile Wars, Laundry Wars, Helpful Shanghai Road Signs, Shanghai Taxi Drivers or my recent Shanghai Haircut for a good giggle.