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Can a Smoothie Cure Cancer?

This quiet little juice bar, 365 Lohas, has sprung up close to my house. Attracted by the astro-turf decor I went to have a look at their menu this morning. There are lots of juices and smoothies on offer – but if I thought they would have something like a Berry Buzz, or a Pineapple Mint Frenzy, or even a straight and simple Freshly Squeezed Orange Juice I was very, very wrong.

There are times in Shanghai when I see a new juice bar (or sandwich bar, or hamburger bar, or wine bar) and I think ‘Oh! I just feel like a fresh juice….(or sandwich/hamburger/glass of white)’ and I have a little non-China moment. But this is China, where nothing is what it seems, and even if it seems familiar I will soon come thudding back to earth with a crushing reminder that I’m actually in the PRC.

Take this place for one – I’m looking for the juice menu, but there is none – there is a list of symptoms. Run your eyes over the list until you find one that fits you, then take the juice treatment recommended.

So what’s on offer? I look down the first column….

OK – fever, cough – not so out there. Halitosis – stand well back from the counter when you order that one. Parched throat and Hiccup – also not weird, in fact a glass of water would fix those…..but Inappetency?? What the..? Is it a lack of appetite? Or is it impotency?
Intrigued now, I look further….

So all those who’ve had a boob job? Or felt puffy? Or lost a few pounds on a diet? Who knew you could have slugged back a juice to get the same results? Been hoarding toxins? Get rid of them! Drink this!

Actually, on second thoughts maybe don’t drink the papaya/milk/tomato combo. And give the gherkin/carrot/orange smoothie a swerve. Unless, of course, you like that blend of flavours. Yum.
What else is on their list?

Further down the list I can now see that inappetency has probably got something to do with gut problems and not erectile dysfunction, because here it is alongside all the other gut symptoms. Although I’m telling you, Harrison’s Textbook of Internal Medicine has nothing written in it about Intestinal Tract Ageing. Yet another part of my ageing body to worry about. And I wish my urinary tract would stop inflecting. So annoying. Thank God it’s totally curable at 365 Lohas. I wonder what else they can cure?

And yes, you guessed it, they can handle the big C as well. These guys deserve the Nobel Prize. But can a juice guy tell the difference between a cancer and a tumor? Can anyone? 

I’m now feeling quite fatigued by all these illnesses. It’s like being back at work and I’m having a few misgivings about stopping by after all. I’ll probably get insomnia from thinking about disease, and the tiredness will make me testy and sullen, and I’ll start forgetting stuff like I always do when I’m tired. 

I look back at the lists -I don’t need to worry at all! 365 Lohas will fix all of these things! Look!

Don’t you love China?

There are always funny things happening here. Read about the Crocodile Wars, Laundry Wars, Helpful Shanghai Road Signs, Shanghai Taxi Drivers or my recent Shanghai Haircut for a good giggle.

  • Louise

    Oh this post is cross-cultural gold! I love it. Hard to pick a favourite- toxin hoard perhaps. But what do you drink if you're feeling ok, one of those miraculous days when you git isn't ageing, your urinary tract isn't inflecting, and you're not even sullen or slightly testy? I would probably have to pick grave and tomato juice just to find out what it was- although I don't like tomato juice all that much. And what did you order Fiona? Did you go with the relative western-ness of pineapple and passin fruit juice? Although I just realised that perhaps passin fruit is not just a typo for passion fruit, with the gut fixation perhaps it's something else. Or did you go for something more exotic?

  • Fiona

    Louise, I opted for asparagus and balsalm pear as possibly the least disgusting combo on the board, but I might as well have ordered swamp water to go. Looked and tasted the same!! 🙁

  • christa @ mental foodie

    For what it's worth W17 is lack of appetite 🙂

    I like papaya and milk, but with tomato juice? Eww…

  • Northern Tobin clan

    Brilliant Fiona! Laughed out loud, at work, again..
    What do you do if you have more than one problem? Do you have multiple juices or try to tackle one problem at a time? Do they have a combo option? Who knows!
    R x

  • Fiona

    It could be dangerous to mix a whole bunch together, as much for the taste as for your health! But nothing to stop you tackling one issue at lunch, another at dinner, and a third the following day…….